Being a parent is magical and no one could get it through to me in language I could understand. I think that was due to the fact that I grew up never personally knowing my own mother so I didn't understand the love and the bond between a mother and child. And maybe that kept me prisoner and subconsciously I didn't want to be a mom because I didn't really know how to be one. But the minute I found out I was pregnant, all of those insecurities and walls came crashing down and I was actually excited to be a mom. My heart had a capacity for the deepest love I've ever known and it took this little guy to show me that. I never saw myself as a mom but now Oliver is 16 months old and at every stage it just gets better. Yes, there are challenges but the rewards overshadow the struggles of being a mom. I don't understand why some people who have been trying and trying to be parents can't conceive and why some (like me) couldn't even fathom becoming a parent get pregnant without even trying. But I do know that in this life God brings what we need when we need it and instead of asking "why" I think he wants us to trust him and ask him for guidance through the seasons that don't make sense. Recently I heard about a young couple who lost a baby at 3 months old and instead of asking "why", my reaction was one of faith. There are certain things that this side of heaven, we will never have the answers to and we have to be okay with that. I'm learning to go to God with everything and say "help" - sometimes that is all you can say. And that's okay.
New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.