I closed out 2009 with the best possible news that I could possibly get. And the funny thing is it's the thing that I've been avoiding like the plague for 8 years (the entire time I've been married). My husband and I talked about it when we first got married and I said "in five years". Five years came and I said "in another five years". Well I didn't have the opportunity to say "in five years" this time! It's the best "whoops" to ever happen. That being said you probably figured out what I'm talking about - yep, I'm pregnant!!!! ME! I'm pregnant! I can't even believe it, but here's proof: On Monday I woke up to the smell of my husband's brewed coffee and it made me ill. I knew something was different at that moment. Normally I drink between 3-6 cups of coffee a day (depending on what kind of day it is), so for the once heavenly smell to now be repulsive to me, I knew there had to be something up with me. That whole day I felt really nauseous, not to mention I felt like I hadn't slept in days. I came home from work and crashed on the couch - I think I was asleep by 6:30pm that night. The next day Ryan and I went over to our neighbor's house and since they are such good friends of ours, Ryan shared our concern. If it were up to them they would've made me go upstairs to their bathroom right then and there and pee on a stick. So after our visit with them, Ryan went out to CVS and got the test and I immediately took it. A wave of emotion rushed over me as I watched that 2nd pink line appear ever so faintly and then getting stronger. I looked at it like "hmmm, maybe this is a fluke - this can't be right", so I showed it to Ryan and he jumped up and said "yes, yes, yes". He was so excited. His lack of worry and great desire to be a father calms me. It makes me feel like everything will be okay. We've been through a lot and I know we'll get through this too. We are starting a new chapter in our life and marriage and I'm really excited at how it's going to bond us even closer. I don't think Ryan ever looked hotter than now that I see him as a father. This is the best gift and even though the baby is smaller than a raspberry right now (I'm about 6-7 weeks) - I feel like the greatest miracle is taking place inside of me. I can't help but think of Psalm 139:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
It's amazing that God is knitting together a little life inside of me right now. An eternal being is coming to life inside of me. I feel so blessed and so excited and it's all just beginning. I'm praying that everything goes well (of course) and it's kind of scary to be telling people that I'm pregnant so early but I just can't help it. It's a secret I just can't hide. And the support from my family and friends is amazing. One of my family members already told me they will buy the baby's crib for us. I'm not sure how everything is going to go in the next year or who is going to watch the baby or if we can afford daycare once the baby comes but I know that God is in the details and as I trust him he will lead us step-by-step. People keep telling me that you'll never be ready for children and that things just work themselves out. I'm sure this will be the hardest thing Ryan and I have ever experienced but I'm sure it will be the most rewarding, amazing, and life-changing. I'm trying to be in the moment daily and try not to over think things. I'm so scared but so excited at the same time. It's amazing how early the maternal instinct can kick in. Already I feel like I have to do everything right and I'm watching my diet and taking my prenatal vitamins. I'm so scared of losing the baby for some reason and I don't know why. I think it's partially because this just doesn't feel real yet. I think after my first ultrasound on January 21st, I will feel better. I am anxious to be out of the first trimester yet I'm trying to enjoy the fact that I can still button my jeans. The exhaustion and nausea sucks but they are a great reminder that there really is a little baby forming inside of me. :) Oh and p.s. this movie is going to have a whole new meaning to me when I see it...can't wait by the way!!!!!!! April 16, 2010 it comes to theatres.