Saturday, November 8, 2008

going a little deeper

"...growing up without a mom has scarred me deeply."

I usually don't talk about this topic much because I just chalk it all up to "that's just the way that things were supposed to be to make me who I am." But this morning I realized again that there are deep wounds that hang around like a residue that you just can't scrub off. Maybe this blog isn't really the place to delve into this and honestly I have turned the page in my life and I've been looking toward the future and what it holds for me. But there are just certain things that happen to people that create defining moments and no matter how hard you run from them, they end up staring you in the face and force you to deal with them. Maybe that's why those photos in the blog post previous to this one (by Noelle) really resonated with me. I can see their oppression and their pain and it reminds me that things can always be worse. My father always told me "there is always someone better off than you are and there is always someone worse off than you are." I guess it's all subjective though because no matter what you are going through it seems the most painful to you at the moment.
This morning I dug out my guitar, blew the dust off, tuned the strings, put the kappo on the 2nd fret and sang a few songs and it felt good. Really good. It was just the release that I needed. I felt like God met me there in my pain and it reminded me of when I would lead worship. I really love to sing my prayers to God. There really is nothing like it. When I'm feeling low, really, the only one who can truly lift me out of it is my Creator. This is such a unique season in my life. It's kind of a lonely season because I don't have a ton of friends right now but at the same time it's a great time to be creative and spend time on me.

4 comments:

Mme. said...

Aw bbb.
This is a beautiful post.

You are always so open about life and everything about you and I think that is amazing. It makes me always feel like I can be ME around you- and I love that.

You are an amazing person, and if life was supposed to happen for you how it has, I think it's worked out in your favor because you are blessed and a wonderful person, best friend, wife and doggy mom to Tegan! :)

Love you

F A N C Y*pants said...

Thanks Jen. BBB. I love you.

Lanii Be Good said...

You, lovey, are a very balanced person! You need no advice or insight that I can see.

I have always felt that pain is relative and that it is, at least for me, useless to think of the suffering of others as some sort of antidote. God only gives us as much as we can handle, right? So the worst pain I could feel may be a drop in the bucket for someone else and it may be more than another could handle. Either way, it's still bad! Anyway, I'm just agreeing with you.

I always loved your playing and singing and I miss it. Please play more! It makes me feel like there are things yet right in the world to know that, even if I can't hear it, you're playing and writing and singing somewhere!

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
-Mother Theresa

alison said...

Just know that there are A LOT of people out there that love you and care deeply about you because you are an awesome person! Just wanted to say that :)